Tomorrow we are taking Anna to see a child psychiatrist, and I am tremendously conflicted about it. I tend to focus on the present, and at the moment, I think Anna is doing fine. However, I cannot deny that there have been episodes where I have been sure that Anna is not like other children. She is smarter, moodier, and more sensitive than any other child I know. What we’re trying to deal with is the moody and sensitive part; much of the time we feel like we are walking on eggshells trying to avoid upsetting her, and sometimes it’s hard to care about her at all because it seems as though nothing will appease her.

The psychiatrist is highly recommended from two sources, including our beloved pediatrician. The only unflattering comment we have heard about her is that she is, in fact, a psychiatrist, and psychiatrists treat biochemical problems with chemical remedies. I really don’t want to see Anna on any sort of medication; in fact, I believe I would absolutely refuse to administer it at her age. I think that we have made a lot of progress with her on her moodiness and behavior, and I’d like to think we can continue to do so. Moreso than that, I really find it hard to bear that thought that there is something wrong with my little girl–she is who she is, and I could not love her more. Also, I feel some guilt, that her behaviors are the result of our parenting. I will probably never know how much of her behaviour is inherited, how much has been learned, or how much could not have been predicted.

Tomorrow, what I expect is that we will learn something; we will have an objective, professional, and highly recommended opinion regarding our daughter. Beyond that, I really do not know what will change. Maybe we’ll have some more strategies for dealing with her behaviour. Perhaps we’ll merely have a baseline against which to measure future progress.

I have thought off and on all day about making this post, and for some reason, the hardest part was deciding which picture to post alongside it. I decided on the “flower child” photo, even though everyone I know has seen it over and over again, because regardless of what I learn tomorrow, to me, she will always be this perfect, indescribable little thing, so beautiful, so precious, existing only for a moment, and then changing forever.