I appreciate that the president perceived a need to spend a lot of money to drop some bombs on al-Zarqawi, but can he please do something about the fact that Raffi, that Ned Flanders of the music world, continues to terrorize my house on a daily basis? I know, he sounds harmless, but I believe his incessant nasal drone is withering my brain, and who knows what sort of brainwashing is happening to my children. Even my usual coping method¹ for dealing with repetetive childrens’ songs is powerless against Raffi’s endless, campy blather. Seriously now, even God must get sick of hearing Kumbaya. I’m going to write a letter to the president and see if he can send some smart bombs Raffi’s way–he’s an Armenian living in Canada, exporting his influence to the United States, so he clearly deserves as much scrutiny as the average American. Hopefully the bombs will be smart enough not to obliterate my Canadian readership.

¹ Making up obscene alternate lyrics and humming them to myself.