As a treat for Anna yesterday, we took her to see Quidam, the new Cirque du Soleil show, or “Circus Olé” as Anna calls it. She was way excited.

The show started off with some rather scary elements–darkness, loud noises, a creepy headless guy –but Anna quickly adjusted an enjoyed the show. In particular, she liked the sequence where four little girls came out with their spools on strings that the spun around and threw high in the air while doing all sorts of tumbling. I may have to see if I can find one online for her… especially if I can find one made of foam rubber or something else that won’t break windows easily.

I was pleasantly surprised that the usual sequence including two large men doing a slow-motion homoerotic ballet was replace by a medium-sized man and a large woman. Still impressive, but slightly less awkward. One part of the show included a man doing various artful feats of strength while hanging from particularly long set of curtains. The man was wearing a tight flesh-colored suit, and it was of course at the quietest part of the performance when Anna called out “IS THAT A NAKED BUTT?” Most people around us were cracking up.

At the intermission we got about $800 worth of popcorn and pretzels and drinks, but we still stopped for dinner afterward at Bread Bites, the Oscar’s knock-off that Anna loves. We planned the day both as a reward for Anna’s good sleep habits of late, and as a special “big girl” activity that she didn’t have to share with Tara. I think it was a real hit.

Four years ago today (around this hour actually), I first saw my daughter in the form of two little feet alternately poking their way out of an incision in my wife’s abdomen. I will never forget how the OB hauled her out, cleared out her mouth and nose, the cut the cord and handed her to a nurse. The nurse still had her upside down as she moved away from the operating table, and Anna, eyes still shut, grabbed a tube as she passed by, requiring the nurse to pry it out of her little baby hand.

We were so unbelievably unready to be parents, not just because Anna was three and a half weeks early, but because we didn’t know what we didn’t know. We didn’t know that there is no steady state to achieve, no goal to meet, no objective to accomplish in parenting. There is no end, no resolution, and no closure with a child. There are only changes and memories and moments that you only have seconds to appreciate before they are gone forever.

All we have is the present, and yet it’s so hard to choose to live there. It’s too easy to try to live in what was or will be, but… er, wait.

It’s Anna’s birthday today. She’s four. We’re going to have a party and cake and fun. But first, I have to follow my own parental advice and go to bed so that my batteries will be all charged up and ready to go in the morning.